Chapter 11. Tuesday, July 12

Ranma slept and woke, slept and woke; jumbled thoughts and misery swirling through her mind. She couldn’t even work out exactly why she was so upset. Part of it was her gullibility, for believing Cologne’s claim that the locket actually contained the Phoenix Pill. But most of it, she thought, was realizing how deep she’d dug into her own emotional core to hold Cologne’s attention, only to have it all be for nothing. She’d told Cologne things she hadn’t even dared to say to herself out loud, and now not only were those things no longer private, but they could easily get back to Akane and make her feel horrible for wanting Ranma-kun back, or to any number of people who might use the information against her. She felt like she’d betrayed everyone she cared about in some fundamental way.

And there was something even worse. She’d known to the very core of her being that she could take the locket that day, that her training with Akane had been that good—and she had been right. She’d been ready. She didn’t want her time as Ranma-chan to end, but she had performed her swan song all day and then gone through with the plan because her sense of duty was stronger than her personal desires. But would that always be true? Could she really do it all again? It had hurt—a lot—to say goodbye to her life as Ranma-chan, but she had pushed down the pain and done it anyway. But could she—could anyone?—do something that hard again?

She thought back to how in her second encounter with Ryoga, she’d called herself “Eve”. Now she realized how appropriate that name was. She had eaten of the tree of knowledge, learned who she was, and now she couldn’t go back to the innocence of ignorance. Dr. Tofu had encouraged her self exploration, but maybe he’d been completely wrong. Maybe she needed to stop playing this dangerous game with her own psyche, because surely the end result was only going to be more pain, and not just for her.

But she couldn’t think of anything that she could walk back. Her body was her body, and that wasn’t going to change, at least for now. She could stop her physical explorations, but that apple was already well and truly bitten. She could try to tone down her clothing choices and maybe cut her hair, stop using any makeup, and try to act more androgynously, but she didn’t think she’d been behaving overly femininely as Ranma-chan to begin with (outside the Nekohanten, anyway). She thought about dropping her friendships with the other girls at school, which would leave her alone at school except for Akane. Which led her to the idea of somehow pushing Akane away and unwinding the closeness they’d developed, but that would be cruel for both of them, and Akane didn’t deserve to be hurt. Maybe she could try to channel him as best as she remembered him, but pretending to be an impulsive idiot hardly seemed like a smart move. She felt trapped; like being on a rollercoaster whose ultimate destination appeared to be a jagged cliff.

These were the thoughts that had gone around and around and around in myriad variations all night long, mixed in with snatches of dreams that she couldn’t remember, but that left her with emotional hangovers she couldn’t shake.

Eventually, an hour earlier than usual, she got up. She kept her eyes closed as she left her room, went out into the hall, opened her eyes again, found a large bath towel, and then returned to her room and hung it over the mirror to block out her reflection. She didn’t want to see herself right now. That was at least one thing she could do. Surely it was that daily reminder of who she was on the outside that had slowly transformed who she thought she was on the inside.

In the bathroom, she just closed her eyes to avoid her reflection in the mirror as she went through her morning routine. Back in her room, she stared into her closet unhappily. She pushed the skirts and dresses Akane had insisted she buy to the furthest-away part of the bar. Clothes weren’t a big thing anyway, but playing dress-up probably wasn’t helping anything. Her uniform was crumpled up on the floor next to a blanket she didn’t recognize. She couldn’t remember taking it off—she couldn’t remember anything after she’d opened the lo—

Her vision blurred as tears filled her eyes again. She choked back a sob, and fought to get herself under control. She couldn’t… Oh, no. Today was a school day. She would need her uniform. The tears came back. Could she even make herself go to school today? Part of her—most of her—almost all of her—wanted to just crawl back into bed, pull the covers over her head, and never, ever wake up.

But that would kill Akane, and she’d hurt Akane too much already.

She forced herself to stop crying, to wipe her face, to pick up her uniform and look it over. Somehow she’d managed to avoid dripping tears and snot all over it; she shook it out and saw that it was just wrinkled. She could work with that.

She headed down to the big bathroom where she very, very carefully edged her way around the tub, still full of warm water from someone’s bath, and hung her uniform up in the moist air. She thought she remembered someone, probably Kasumi-oneechan, saying that you could get wrinkles out of clothes this way. Kasumi-oneechan would probably be happy to iron it for her, but even if she could talk herself into waking her up, she didn’t think she could handle being seen by anyone right now, not even Kasumi-oneechan. This would have to do. And she probably wouldn’t go to school anyway.

Back in her room, she noticed her martial-arts gi neatly folded on a shelf. Even after dealing with her breakdowns and her uniform, she thought there was still time to do some training before breakfast, and maybe that would help her regain at least some of her perspective. She put it on and headed down to the dojo. Beyond its suitability for training, being there felt appropriate, somehow, like a tip of the hat to old-school Ranma. She started to sob again and shook herself firmly. No. Training. Distraction.

As tired as she was from her fitful night, she tried to put as much energy into her exercises as she could muster. At one point she tried a power punch into a wooden plank, hoping to smash it, but instead she hurt her hand. She tried a power kick instead, but it flew across the room rather than breaking. She sighed. She was out of sorts, and it showed in her training. He would have smashed something by now, she thought bitterly. But she was just tired and sad.

She decided to give up on training and have an early breakfast. Maybe she could miss everyone and avoid the need to interact with them. Or she could just get something to eat and take it back to her room and think some more—decide whether she even wanted to go to school today. She could cram for exams at home. Or not.

She was surprised to find Akane already in the kitchen, sipping a cup of tea. Looking at the clock, she realized that it wasn’t nearly as early as she’d thought. She must have lost track of time while training. Akane would surely ask how she was doing, and Ranma didn’t relish that conversation right now. But maybe if she had it on her terms, it’d go easier.

Before Akane could say a word, Ranma said, flatly, “Cologne lied.

“The locket was empty.”

She paused, trying to at least say something kind to Akane.

“We did good work. We trained well. And we achieved our goal of getting the locket. But it was all for nothing.”

Finally, she spat out something she’d only just realized, “Cologne says that the Phoenix Pill is hidden somewhere only she knows, but, hey, for all we know, maybe it doesn’t even exist.

“That’s it. That’s all.” Her expression went blank again.

Akane took it all in. Ranma’s expression, the outfit, the stiff movements, the flat tone of voice; it all reminded her of how Ranma-kun had behaved when he’d been upset about something. And then there was what she’d seen when she got up that morning—she’d peeked into Ranma’s room to see how she was feeling and saw the towel over the mirror. She also saw Ranma’s eyes, which were red from crying, and the dark circles and swelling around them. She looked horrible, but at least she was here.

Everything she’d seen this morning confirmed what she’d figured out last night: Ranma had so wanted to go back to being his old self, and now that hope had been crushed. She could see it clearly, how he’d hoped that this morning he’d see his old familiar face again, and the fact that he wouldn’t was just too much for him to bear.

“It’ll be okay, Ranma,” Akane said softly. “I know it feels hopeless right now, but we’ll find a way for you to be Ranma-kun again. I promise.”

There it is, Ranma thought bitterly. The same old song and dance. Everyone wants me to be the way I was before. All that stuff about it being fine with them was just for when they thought it was temporary. But now that there’s a chance that it’s less temporary than they thought, maybe even permanent, no, they’ve gotta “keep hope alive”. “We’ve all gotta redouble our efforts”. I hoped that maybe Akane would be different, but she’s just like the rest of them.

“Yeah, well, whatever,” Ranma replied flatly in a slightly lower register, attempting a mocking caricature of the Ranma-kun that Akane clearly wanted so badly. She’d hoped Akane might notice the edge to her voice, or maybe remember that Ranma-kun was not exactly the easiest person to live with, but no such luck. Akane just looked sad.

“Are you going to school today?” Akane asked gently.

“Dunno,” she replied, still channeling a bit of her Ranma-kun parody. “I mean, I gotta be a girl at school, right? And girls are icky and stupid.” Okay, she was really laying it on thick now, but maybe Akane would get the message.

Akane was a bit puzzled by Ranma’s behavior. He could be a jerk sometimes, and, obviously, he was upset right now, but she didn’t remember him being so deliberately rude. Still, she didn’t take the bait. “You can totally stay home if you want—maybe keep training and see if it helps you feel better,” she said kindly.

“Nah, Akane, the Ranma Saotome way is to just keep throwing yourself into the fray no matter what, no matter how idiotic, no matter how low the odds of success,” Ranma replied, still in her parody mode. “That’s what ‘anything goes’ is all about.”

They ate their light breakfast in silence. Eventually, Akane broke it.

“I can call you Ranma-kun again if you want,” she said softly. “If it makes you feel better.”

Make me feel better!?, Ranma thought incredulously. You think calling me by a name that doesn’t fit me anymore is going to make me feel better? You think pretending I’m someone I’m not is going to help me get through this? You don’t get it at all, do you?

But she as soon as she had that thought, she also got an inkling that maybe she’d brought this on herself with her behavior; that Akane couldn’t appreciate her dark self mockery.

“That wouldn’t help,” she replied flatly. “I better go get ready for school.”

She stopped by the bathroom to get her uniform. She stared at the water for a moment. How much could it really hurt? she wondered. Would it kill me? Do I care?

She took herself in hand again. She would care. Akane would care. And she couldn’t hurt Akane, even if Akane wanted someone else. She had to stay alive until she figured out how to get Ranma-kun back. Then she could go back to wherever she’d come from, just disappear like she’d never been, and everyone else could get on with their lives.

She grabbed her uniform and went back to her bedroom, where, still filled with a simmering bitterness, she angrily pulled the towel off the mirror. She stared at her reflection. The way she was dressed, the way she was posed, the expression on her face, it actually did have kind of a male vibe to it, notwithstanding all the curves in girl places. No wonder she’d confused Akane. She was blowing everything up for no good reason.

And her face was a disaster. If she went to school looking like this, they’d probably call social services. And she’d never be able to explain it to her friends. She did some quick breathing exercises to help her center herself. Calmer now, she put on her school uniform and picked up her bag. On her way to the stairs, she picked up a washcloth from the bathroom.

While she was waiting for Ranma to reappear so they could head for school, Akane sat on the couch in the living room, and brooded on the whole situation.

She looked up when Ranma came back downstairs. He—she’d resolved to say “he” from now on despite appearances—still looked terrible. He headed into the kitchen and she followed him, watching as he ran cold water on the washcloth and then pressed it to his face, added a couple of ice cubes, and held it there. Where did he learn to do that?

Peeking around the cloth, Ranma looked Akane in the eyes as best as she could. “I’m sorry, Akane-chan,” Ranma said, slowly and sincerely. “I was sending mixed signals this morning. I don’t need you to call me Ranma-kun. That wouldn’t make me feel better—actually, it would make me feel much worse. But if you need to call me that to feel better yourself, then, okay, I’ll put up with it, because I care about you. But for me, I like it when you say Ranma-chan. I like it when you say she and her. I liked how everything was before yesterday evening when it all went to hell. Maybe we can just try to pretend that none of that happened, okay?”

Akane wasn’t entirely sure she believed what Ranma was saying; maybe he was just pushing his own feelings down to try to please everyone else. But if that was what he wanted to do, well, it would be ungracious to refuse. “Okay, Ranma-chan,” she said in a bright but brittle tone. “We’ll try to recapture the vibe we had at the weekend.” She paused. “But I can’t pretend yesterday didn’t happen. Ranma. I… I’ve never seen you hurt like that before, and it scared the hell out of me.” She paused again, trying to decide, and then said, “Can I give you a hug?”

“God, yes!” Ranma replied, dropping the cloth on the counter and stepping forward. They embraced tightly, both of them needing the comfort of the other’s presence. As they parted, Ranma said, “You’re right. I am kind of broken. But I’ll heal. And hugs help a lot.”

With all the drama, they hadn’t been keeping track of the time, and as a result they had to run to get to school before the bell. That prevented them from being able to talk more, but secretly they were both happy to be physically rather than emotionally engaged. Ranma still felt traumatized, but at least she’d processed some of the things she’d felt, and she thought she’d managed to stop things going completely off the rails with Akane. That was something at least.

At the school gate, they encountered Shampoo, whose expression betrayed a desire for mischief. “Oh, Ranma-chan,” she said sweetly, “I heard what happened at the Nekohanten. You tell great-grandma all your deep secrets, and she tell me.”

“Cologne is a liar,” Ranma replied icily. “She has no honor. Her word is worthless.”

“Ha-ha, yes, she lied!” Shampoo laughed. “She lied and say you tell her you want to be big strong boy to marry me. Yes, it was that, and not something else. Marry me and all your secrets stay safe!”

Akane had promised Ranma that she’d never ask what she’d said to Cologne, but that didn’t mean she didn’t wish she knew. Shampoo’s taunt was ambiguous enough that it shed no light on the matter. Ranma just glared at Shampoo. “Whatever you think you heard, Shampoo, it’s wrong,” she said firmly. “Now leave me alone.”

Ranma grabbed Akane’s hand and pulled her back into their run, continuing their dash into the school and ending their encounter with Shampoo.

Once they settled down in homeroom, Akane knew what she needed to do. Ranma’s face looked a lot better than it had, but it was still obvious that she’d been crying. She surreptitiously passed notes to some of Ranma’s school friends, saying that Ranma had been through something pretty traumatic and could use some kindness and support today. Given the storehouse of goodwill Ranma had built up yesterday when she thought it might be her last, that was easy enough to arrange. Ranma found herself the recipient of smiles and friendly words throughout the day, and that helped.

Ranma did her best to focus on the review material, trying to use it as a distraction from all the other thoughts that wanted to fill her mind. Her determination to focus on academics over everything else probably meant that she was doing a better job studying than he would have. He’d probably blow the whole thing off or have become embroiled in a fight and be sitting soaked in the swimming pool thinking about where to find the closest hot water.

* * *

After school, Ranma asked if they could swing by the Nekohanten; she assured Akane that she wasn’t planning to stay, but that she felt like she needed to make sure everything was okay there. She couldn’t really remember anything past the empty locket—that thought forcing her to blink back still more tears—but she could imagine that there could have been massive amounts of destruction or serious injuries. She didn’t even know how she’d gotten home.

Akane very reluctantly agreed, and they headed over to the restaurant, which was, to her surprise, completely fine. There was new glass in the window, some freshly painted trim, and even new painted lettering. She’d seen the damage happen, so the repairs were obvious to her, but someone who hadn’t been there last night, or who had been as distressed as Ranma had been, probably wouldn’t even notice.

Inside the restaurant, they could see customers eating noodles as usual. Ranma could also see Shampoo near the back of the dining room, serving customers, but there was no sign of Cologne.

“Very polite girl, our Ranma-chan,” Cologne said, startling them both. “She always says ‘thank you’ and that makes me so glad for the things I do to help her. And so dutiful! She’s a real catch for whoever can keep her.”

Ranma and Akane whirled around to see the crone grinning at them. Akane was extremely disappointed that she looked none the worse for being smashed through plate glass and thrown into a wall.

Ranma felt a surge of anger shove her melancholy aside. “You lied to me, Cologne,” she said bitterly. “You said the locket had the Phoenix Pill in it. It was empty. You tricked me.”

“Next time you beat me, daughter-in-law, I’ll give you the real pill,” Cologne replied calmly. “But you must win fair and square. No tricks. No silk. Just your skill against mine. Do that, and the pill is yours. But not today, and not tomorrow. I will decide when we fight and what the stakes will be.”

“I’ll be ready. Whenever you want to fight, just say the word.”

“In the meantime, your job is here for you if you want it,” Cologne said with a wink. “Shampoo’s working, too. You two make a good team.”

“Thank you for your kind offer, Cologne-san,” Ranma said in an exquisitely polite tone. “But I need a change of scenery, so not today and not tomorrow. I will decide if I return and what my wages and dress code should be.”

“Ha-ha-ha, very good, very good,” Cologne laughed. “She’s quite the wit, our Ranma-chan. She had me laughing like anything yesterday!” And with that, Cologne turned and bounced away, cackling to herself. Ranma felt a surge of relief. That was unpleasant, but it could have been so much worse.

Akane was livid. She couldn’t believe Cologne was treating the whole thing like a joke. And Ranma was going along with it! She was about to say something, but then she saw that Ranma looked a lot happier than she had on the way over here. Maybe confronting Cologne hadn’t been such a bad idea after all. She was still mad at Cologne, but she made the effort to set her anger aside for Ranma’s sake.

Just for a second, Ranma thought there might be actual flames behind Akane’s eyes, but then she looked down at the ground and took a very deep breath. When she looked back up, she smiled faintly and took Ranma’s hand, saying, “It’s been a long day. Let’s go home, okay, Ranma-chan?”

They walked the rest of the way home in companionable silence. It had been an exhausting day for both of them, but at least Ranma felt like things weren’t nearly as dark as they felt when the day began. In all her angst over last night’s failure, she had failed to see that there was one positive, and it was a big one: she had a reprieve. Without the Phoenix Pill, she could—had to, even—stay herself. Cologne had made it clear that Ranma wasn’t going to have another chance at getting the pill for a while. That meant she’d still have to deal with it, and everything that came along with it, someday. She didn’t know how much more time she’d have—maybe just a few days, probably no more than a few weeks—but any time at all was a gift. She smiled and squeezed Akane’s hand.

* * *

Back at home, Ranma was a little surprised when Akane suggested they train a bit before dinner. Instead, she suggested that they take the night off, find something dumb to watch on TV, and just relax. Akane agreed, and they spent the evening cuddled up on the couch watching a silly romantic comedy. Ranma felt more of the stress from the lifetime of the last couple of days draining away. Things weren’t perfect, but she was still herself, and she still had Akane, so maybe everything would be okay.

At the end of the day, she crawled into bed, completely beat. To quiet her mind from any other thoughts, she set it idly thinking about the adventure of an innocent princess in the forest and her encounter with the worldly dryad. It was cheesy, but it was nice to think about, in a naughty sort of way. She smiled to herself as she drifted off to sleep.