Chapter 6. Thursday, July 7

The viewer was watching a new animated TV show about the exploits of one Ranma Saotome, a high school girl who was a martial artist. She was a bit of a tomboy, but when splashed with cold water, she transformed into an overly feminine princess who was constantly fending off the amorous advances of her many suitors. At the opening, it seemed promising, but as the episode unfolded, it eventually degenerated into a long chase sequence that dissolved into incoherence with both versions of the protagonist fighting each other rather than their numerous nemeses. Ranma woke up, wondering just what his subconscious was trying to tell him with yet another bizarre dream.

Officially, Dr. Tofu’s clinic opened at the same time as the school, but Ranma knew that he was usually there early; if he skipped breakfast and dashed over there right after getting dressed, he might be able to catch Dr. Tofu before his first patient arrived. He hurriedly got dressed in his school uniform, still finding time to arrange his hair just so, before dashing out the door, grabbing some left-over onigiri to serve as breakfast on the way.

When he arrived at the clinic, the door was closed and the lights off. He peered through the window, but there was no sign of Dr. Tofu. He sighed, feeling a little disappointed. He turned to leave, when he heard a voice behind him. “Hello, Ranma, were you looking for me?”

Ranma explained that he was hoping he could maybe have a quick word before the clinic opened. Dr. Tofu nodded, and invited him in. “Please, have a seat,” he said, gesturing to a chair. “What can I do for you today?”

Ranma took a deep breath. “Well… uh, it’s about this whole… situation I’m in,” he began. “You know the deal, I’m stuck in my girl form until we can figure a way to undo the Cat’s Tongue pressure point. And, like, I know it’ll only be a couple of weeks tops before we figure out a way out of it—probably Cologne’s Phoenix Pill if I can get my hands on it—but in the meantime… being a girl is messing with my head.”

“But you’ve been in your girl form lots of times before, right?” Dr. Tofu asked. “What’s different this time?”

“Um… I guess it’s different this time because I’m not just switching back and forth because of some accident or for a plan?” Ranma replied. “This time, I’m… stuck like this….

“A-and everyone at school thinks I’m a girl now, cos, well, I did sorta plan it that way, you know, because….

“And, like, my… my dreams, they keep being about… um… stuff…. Stuff that I don’t want to think about, you know?”

“I see,” Dr. Tofu said thoughtfully. “So, you’re feeling a bit confused about your identity, and perhaps a little conflicted about your feelings as well?”

“I’m Ranma Saotome,” he said defensively. “I’m an anything-goes martial artist, and I’m always developing new techniques and strategies. So, uh… I thought I’d found a way to turn my weakness… um, being a girl… into a strength, cos you have to in martial arts. And I have… I guess? And it’s… um… totally going the way I planned. But then… I… I…,” he trailed off, looking down at his hands.

Dr. Tofu put on an encouraging expression, and patiently waited for him to continue.

After a brief pause, Ranma began speaking again, trying to focus on his own skill and agency. “And, yeah! It’s working! I’m super pleased with the speed moves I’ve been developing with Akane. And we’ve done some other training that I think will be helpful. So that’s good….”

He looked away from his hands, at the wall, back again. “But…,” he continued, so quietly that it was hard for Dr. Tofu to hear him clearly, “I think all this new stuff depends on me being in my girl form to do it…. So that’s… Well… it’s… complicated.

“And I don’t think I’m supposed to… um….” He trailed off again, swallowed, and dropped his gaze to the floor.

There was more he could say, like how proud he was about his acceptance as a girl at school (just as a way to fly under the radar and outsmart the broader chaos of his life, of course); or how much he was enjoying having new friends and being able to learn without constant interruptions; or his conversations with the girl in his mirror; or even his improved relationship with Akane. But those were all tied up with why he was here this morning, and, given his own conflicted feelings, he wasn’t sure what Dr. Tofu might make of them, so he held back.

After waiting a moment to let Ranma continue if he wanted, Dr. Tofu tentatively said, “I think I understand what you’re saying. You’re experiencing a side of yourself you never really had to think about before. That can be difficult. Can I ask you… are there any feelings of shame tied into all of this?”

Ranma hesitated, then nodded slowly, not looking up from the floor. “Yeah, I guess so,” he admitted. “I mean, I never thought I’d… I never thought I’d sometimes, you know, want to….” He knotted his hands together; tried again, “I mean, if I’m a guy, I really shouldn’t actually like… you know… some of that other stuff… Right?”

He stopped for a moment before continuing, “I mean, Akane said to me the other day, ‘How come you’re so good at that girly stuff, you know, like flirting and stuff and dressing up?’, and I’d never really thought about it before… It kinda isn’t really my thing, but at the same time, I don’t think I know any guys who could do it as well as I can.

“Especially now….

“So, like, does that mean something? Or is it just… you know… a coincidence or something?”

Dr. Tofu put what he hoped came across as a serious, but caring, expression on his face as he took a few minutes to sort out the pieces of Ranma’s jumbled partial confession. He’d noticed the shifts in Ranma’s speech patterns, too, and considered what that might imply.

“I think what you’re experiencing isn’t all that surprising given your situation, Ranma,” he said gently. “This is going to be a challenging time of self discovery for you. You’re going to have to confront some feelings and ideas that you may not have had to think about before. It’s okay to feel confused or conflicted about these things and to need to do some self exploration.”

“But you’re also not quite as alone as you might think in dealing with these kinds of feelings. There are people in the world who’ve switched sexes—not in the same magical way you have, of course, but I think that there might be some things you could learn from them. I have a few books and articles where people talk about what it’s like to go through this kind of experience. Would you like to borrow them if I can dig them out?”

Ranma perked up a bit and nodded eagerly. “Yeah, that would be great,” he said. “I think I could really use some help figuring this stuff out. But, uh, can we keep this between us? I don’t want Akane or anyone else to know that this stuff is all… uh… hard for me.”

“How about I drop the literature by the dojo later today without mentioning that you came to see me, just as if I’m wondering how you’re doing generally and thought a few things to read might help?” Dr. Tofu suggested. “That way, no one will know you were here, but if they notice the materials, they won’t wonder where they came from. You can even pretend you’re not really very interested in them. But remember, there’s nothing to be ashamed of in exploring who you are and what feels right for you.”

Ranma smiled, feeling a weight lifted from his shoulders. “Thanks, Dr. Tofu,” he said sincerely. “I really appreciate it.”

Ranma headed out of the clinic and towards school, feeling a bit more positive about being able to navigate and make sense of his situation. Nothing to be ashamed of…, he repeated to himself.

* * *

Looking for a shortcut to get to the high school from Dr. Tofu’s clinic, Ranma took an alleyway that passed by a convenience store near the station. There were several vending machines in the alley that he’d seen from the street but never really looked at closely. One of them caught his eye, as it was selling various kinds of underwear. He hesitated for a moment, then decided to take a closer look. The machine had a variety of styles and colors, from plain cotton briefs to lacy thongs. Well, at least that’s easy, he thought, I can just buy some more underwear without having to go into a store and face the embarrassment of asking for them in person. He selected a few that looked comfortable and appropriate for everyday wear, and inserted the money as instructed. The machine dropped the packets into the bin at the bottom of the machine, and Ranma quickly stuffed them into his school bag, feeling a sense of relief that he wouldn’t have to worry about running out of underwear again anytime soon.

He was about to turn away when he noticed another item in the machine. The packaging said, “For your aching back, the perfect mini massager!” The item was about the size of a lipstick and he had no illusions about what it was really for. He hesitated for a moment, then decided to buy it, too. Well, if I’m going to be exploring this side of myself, I might as well have the right tools, he thought awkwardly. He pushed the selector button, fed more money in. The small package advanced toward the edge of the shelf and then appeared to hang for a moment, causing Ranma a brief spike of anxiety, before it finally dropped down into the collection tray. Ranma quickly stuffed it into his school bag, feeling mixed emotions about what he’d just done. Dr. Tofu had said there was nothing to be ashamed of, but he still felt a little embarrassed about buying such a device. He checked again to make sure that it would stay at the bottom of his bag. Did Akane have one of these? That was a question he could never imagine asking no matter how close they got. He didn’t even know whether he should hope that she did or that she didn’t.

* * *

Despite his detours, Ranma found he had managed to arrive at school more than ten minutes early. There was no one waiting at the gates, so he was able to slip in uneventfully. He even had time to answer a couple more questions on the homework assignment he’d given short shrift to after his first exhausting shift at the Nekohanten.

Akane arrived just moments before class began. Unlike Ranma’s carefully cultivated disarranged look, Akane’s slightly mussed clothes and hair seemed to have been acquired the hard way, and she was clearly out of breath.

“Kuno. And Kodachi,” she moaned grumpily, collapsing into a seat next to Ranma. “They were both waiting for us at the school gates. Kuno paid the usual price, but Kodachi, well, I just had to evade her in the end. She wants to know what has become of the real Ranma Saotome and clearly wants to fight someone over his disappearance.

“It’s probably a good thing you weren’t there, but it was no fun on my own, I can tell you!” She sighed.

“Why did you leave early today anyway?”

“Just wanted to walk and clear my head before school,” Ranma replied casually. “And, yeah, I guess getting here early was a good idea, I missed Kuno and even got some work done, too.”

“We could have gone together, you know,” Akane said, a little wistfully. “But I guess you needed some time alone.”

“Well, I kinda decided at the last minute, and I didn’t want you to miss breakfast. But we could try going early together tomorrow, if you’d like?”

Akane nodded. “Sure, I’d be happy to!” This version of Ranma was so different from the one she’d thought she knew. Getting to class with seconds to spare was one of his signature moves, but now he was actually planning ahead and being thoughtful. It was… nice.

* * *

Kasumi was surprised by an unexpected knock on the door. She put down her book and found Dr. Tofu in the genkan. He was, as always, behaving a bit oddly, but she just smiled at him and invited him in for tea.

He almost walked into the door frame, and then almost crashed into the wall, but she put her hand on his arm and guided him into the dining room, where he managed to sit down without further injury. He’d been carrying a small stack of books and magazines that he placed on the table beside him.

She fetched them both tea, and, during their somewhat frustrating and confusing conversation, she was able to make out that he was dropping off these materials for Ranma. He told her that he had been wondering how Ranma was coping with his situation, which was fine, but then he explained that he thought that Ranma might find these books and articles helpful in dealing with his situation, which was… a bit strange.

Despite leaving school at the age of fifteen to take care of her sisters and father, Kasumi had always loved learning and had been keeping her library card busy, generally working her way through a stack of books she’d found interesting each week, before returning them and picking out another batch. Her interests were quite cosmopolitan, and so she had gained a much broader understanding of the world than anyone in her family would guess. (Except, perhaps, Nabiki, who often seemed more aware of things than she would be expected to be.)

She could clearly see the titles of the books and some of text in the articles in the stack Dr. Tofu had brought, and they were… interesting, especially in light of her own observations of Ranma’s recent behavior. She pressed him a bit on what made him think these books would be helpful, and, his response of “Particular no reason. Thought I be would it just useful,” showed—in his usual hard-to-parse speech—that he was trying to say he’d just decided to research this topic on a whim and share back, without any external prompting.

Kasumi had a long history of joining the dots between what people said and what was actually going on, and she was fairly sure that Dr. Tofu would never have come up with this idea entirely on his own. Also, Akane had been grumpy about walking to school alone this morning. The dots she was joining were practically a solid line.

“Thank you, Dr. Tofu,” she said, taking the stack of books and articles. “I’ll make sure Ranma gets these.”

“To be happy. Helpful!” he said, nodding vigorously, which Kasumi translated into his being pleased to have been of assistance to the family.

Very interesting.

She let Dr. Tofu off the hook for now and saw him to the door, along the way helping him avoid the table, the foot of the stairs, and falling off the step into the genkan. She assured him that she would get the materials to Ranma and keep them out of sight until she did, and waved goodbye as he lurched down the sidewalk.

As soon as he was gone, she took the stack up to her room, and did a bit of reading herself.

* * *

The school day flashed by, and Ranma once again bid Akane farewell and headed to the Nekohanten. This time, he was determined to get that Phoenix Pill from Cologne.

On a whim, Akane decided to take her own meandering walk to the noodle house to see how Ranma was doing. By the time she got there, Ranma’s shift was well underway. She watched from a distance as Ranma darted back and forth between tables. Even from a distance, she could see that Ranma was in her performative mode, batting her eyelashes and using a coquettish tone of voice with the customers. Akane felt a pang of negative emotion at seeing this side of Ranma. Was it annoyance? Maybe it was jealousy? She wasn’t sure. It didn’t seem right that this kind of stuff came more easily to Ranma than it did to her. She tried to put a positive spin on it: maybe she ought to feel proud that Ranma was so adaptable and so able to cope. That was the essence of Ranma Saotome, after all, always coping in impossible situations. He’d brought vast amounts of chaos into her life, sure, but he’d faced vastly more turmoil and sudden reversals himself, and yet he usually managed to keep a positive outlook despite it all. Maybe that was why she felt drawn to him in the first place, despite how annoying he could be at times.

She decided that maybe she could be the one doing the annoying this time and entered the restaurant. As she approached the counter, Ranma spotted her and quickly excused herself from a table she was serving. “Akane-chan! What a nice surprise! What can I get for you today?” she said with a beautiful lilt to her voice. More quietly, she whispered, “What are you doing here? I’m working, being this,” she gestured to herself and her outfit with a flourish. “Anyway, it’s kinda dangerous—Cologne might get the wrong idea if she sees you here.”

At that moment, Cologne appeared from the kitchen. “How nice to see you, Akane, coming to see Shampoo’s future husband… or maybe it’s her future wife now?” she said with a smirk.

Akane wasn’t going to be outdone. “Well, I just thought I’d drop by to see how Ranma-chan was doing,” she said sweetly. “I can’t thank you enough for everything you’ve done to help her settle into her new role here. May I give you a hug as a thank you?”

Akane hardly wanted to hug the old crone, but she was hoping to create an opportunity for Ranma to snatch the Phoenix Pill. Cologne hesitated for a moment, then nodded. “Of course, my dear,” she said, opening her arms. As Cologne stepped forward to embrace Akane, Ranma saw her chance. As Cologne’s arms wrapped around Akane, Ranma darted forward, her hand reaching for the Phoenix Pill hanging around Cologne’s neck. But somehow Cologne had vanished, leaving Ranma to blunder into Akane, bringing their faces just a few inches apart.

Cologne laughed from a safe distance. “No kissing now! Save those for Shampoo. And nice try, my little waitress,” she said, “but you’ll have to be quicker than that to get the pill from me!”

Akane would have loved to say she enjoyed her bowl of noodles, but her mind was elsewhere. She felt a keen sense of disappointment that she and Ranma, working together as a team, had failed to get the Phoenix Pill. And watching Ranma dash around the noodle house at almost impossible speed, while simultaneously channeling that hyperfeminine persona, made her feel a little… inadequate. Ranma didn’t even want to be a girl and she was better at being one than she was. At least better at being that kind of girl. She shook her head. Whatever. Life was full of ironies.

After her meal, Akane waited outside for Ranma to finish her shift, doing some homework reading. When Ranma finally emerged, Akane could see weariness on her face, a mix of physical exhaustion from the insane pace of her shift and the disappointment of not getting the Phoenix Pill again. Akane also noticed that while Ranma had changed out of her waitress uniform and let her hair down, she hadn’t bothered to remove the mascara and lipstick. Was she still performing that persona even now? Or just too beaten down to care?

“How are you doing?” Akane asked gently.

Ranma sighed. “Tired,” she admitted. “And frustrated. That was such a clever move you did with the hug, and I still blew it. I just can’t seem to get close enough to snatch that pill.” She paused for a moment, then said quietly, “Can I have a hug?”

Akane was a bit surprised to see this level of vulnerability from Ranma, but she nodded and opened her arms. Ranma stepped into the embrace, and Akane could feel the tension in Ranma’s body lessen as she relaxed into the hug. After a moment, Ranma pulled back slightly, looking at Akane with a small smile. “Thanks, Akane-chan,” she said softly. “I really needed that.” Akane smiled back. “Anytime, Ranma-chan,” she replied.

Halfway home, Ranma got out a tissue and wiped off the lipstick and most of the mascara. “I just gotta train harder,” he said determinedly. “And maybe we need some new ideas to keep Cologne stuck in one place long enough for me to get that pill.”

They did train a bit right after they got back to the dojo, but they were both feeling a bit drained after the day’s events, so they kept it light. After dinner, they did some more homework together, and then headed to bed.

* * *

Ready for bed after getting washed up, Ranma remembered the underwear he’d purchased—and immediately also remembered the mini massager. What was I thinking…? he wondered, stuffing the device far into the back of the dresser drawer that held the things Nabiki had given him. The underwear? Now that was something actually sensible and useful. He put the packet away in another drawer. As he closed it, there was a knock on the door.

“It’s Kasumi,” came the voice. “I just wanted to drop these off for you.” Ranma opened the door, and Kasumi handed him a small stack of books and articles. “Dr. Tofu left these for you with a note. He said you ought to come by sometime as he was wondering how you were doing, and thought that maybe learning about how some other people coped when their body didn’t match what they felt inside might help you if your… situation lasts much longer.”

“Uh, thanks, Kasumi-oneechan,” he said, trying to play it cool. “Not sure I’m gonna read them yet, but it’s good to know I’ve got the option if things really don’t change soon.”

He closed the door. What did he feel inside? That was really the whole question. He set down the books and most of the magazines on a shelf on the far wall, but kept one with a bookmark making it easy to find the article it held. He sat on the bed and opened it up and read the title: “Living as your true self: One person’s journey of gender transition”.

He read eagerly at first and then with increasing disappointment. The article described a person who had felt “trapped” in the wrong body for years, since childhood, in fact, and had finally decided to transition to the other gender. It detailed the struggles they faced, the support they found, and the joy of finally being able to live authentically. But as he read on, he couldn’t help but feel a sense of disconnect. That person had a clear sense of self, a strong desire to change, and a path forward. Ranma, on the other hand, wasn’t driven forward by a strong internal compass, she had instead been buffeted about by external forces that had put her into this strange situation—one that seemed to be making her internal compass go haywire from crossed signals.

He looked up at the mirror, where he saw a young woman holding a magazine and looking sad and disappointed. She sighed. Ranma continued to look at her. After a long stare, she stuck out her tongue. “First thing I’d do is play with myself,” she said, putting on a deep voice and the rougher speech of one of her male classmates. Sure. Maybe it would be that easy for one of them. But that kind of simpleminded clarity wasn’t something Ranma could even pretend to have.

He kept the deep voice act going and said, “I am Ranma Saotome!” It was ridiculous to see the diminutive young woman in the mirror trying to act like a macho guy. She laughed at herself. “Yeah, right,” she said, dropping the act. “I wish it were that simple.” She batted her eyelashes at her reflection and in her most coquettish voice said, “I am Ranma Saotome.” She giggled at herself. “Ugh, this is so confusing,” she said, dropping the act again. “It would be nice if I knew what my deal is,” she grumbled.

Lying in bed, repeating Dr. Tofu’s words like a mantra, Ranma allowed her hand to explore some of the more private parts of her body. It was all a little clinical, and not really hugely revealing compared to what she already knew from bathing and using the toilet, and yet, she did feel like she was pushing herself over a line, a taboo that she’d somehow internalized about what was okay and what wasn’t. She didn’t go very far; just enough to know what she could do if she wanted to, and if she did have that toy out, what she’d do with it. I gotta train, not get off, he admonished himself. That was enough thinking for the day. Ranma rolled over to get comfortable, and quickly enough, she drifted off to sleep.